Cheers and salutations, all ye sycophants, zealots and Clarksville fans.
Prepare to be amazed!
That’s because I have shed my earthly trappings that make up the normal flab and gab of Doug. Instead, I appear to you today in my mysterious know-it-all cult figure form otherwise known as Clarnak the Magnanimous: Voice of Treason and Conduit for the Other Side.
I don’t like to brag, but I get a lot of side work these days as a part-time swami.
The usual festive events, you know. Birthday parties, circumcisions, the occasional cremation …
What? You didn’t expect this back page humor column gig to pay all the bills, did you?
Anyway, before we begin, you’ll need to get into the proper psychic mood. Imagine me sitting cross-legged before you and wearing nothing but a pink sequined turban and matching loincloth.
Those of you who haven’t run away screaming may now relax while I assume a trancelike state and unravel 25 of life’s most perplexing riddles.
So let the magic borrowed from a certain long-gone TV talk show host begin.
RIDDLE 1 – The Seattle Seahawks and President Donald Trump’s ample rear end. CLARNAK: Name two targets that would benefit greatly from an occasional swift and well-placed kick.
RIDDLE 2 – Channeling Jimmy Hoffa. CLARNAK: Where WSU got the idea to start composting human remains.
RIDDLE 3 – Forward by Al Franken. CLARNAK: Just one of the surprises found in the new Harvey Weinstein Dating Manual.
RIDDLE 4 – Prospectors lining up for Acapulco Gold. CLARNAK: Recreational weed now legal in California.
RIDDLE 5 – You’ve got to meet me half-way, Kim Jong Un. So how ’bout if I start our negotiations by giving you something as a sign of good faith like, say, South Korea and Japan? CLARNAK: How President Barack Obama would have handled North Korea’s leader, if Obama were a late-night Tweeter.
RIDDLE 6 – Dazed and Confused. CLARNAK – The Spokane City Council still meets at City Hall on Monday nights.
RIDDLE 7 – Cleaning your teeth. Scratching an ear lobe. CLARNAK: Things to do with those leftover solar eclipse glasses now that the Sun and Moon are behaving themselves again.
RIDDLE 8 – Donald, Mickey and Goofy. CLARNAK: The last Hollywood stars who haven’t been accused of sexual harassment.
RIDDLE 9 – Barf Mountain. Mr. Kid Snatcher. History of Potholes Museum. CLARNAK: Attractions rejected from the Spokane Riverfront Park makeover project thanks to that fancy-pants Skate Ribbon.
RIDDLE 10 – “Howdy there, shoppers. And welcome to Walmart!” CLARNAK: Each morning, David Condon rises with the birds and can be heard preparing for life after his second term as Spokane mayor expires.
RIDDLE 11 – Burn pile. Litter box liner. Bottom of Lake Coeur d’Alene. CLARNAK: Places to put $4 million that are far more deserving than into the pockets of Washington State University’s mediocre football coach – Mike Leach.
RIDDLE 12 – A barrel of Winesaps. CLARNAK: What Wazzu football fans felt like after being annihilated 14-41 by the UW Huskies in the 2017 Apple Cup.
RIDDLE 13 – A one-fingered three-second nose probe. CLARNAK: – The last legal act left to motorists under Washington State’s new Distracted Driving Laws.
RIDDLE 14 – A bodacious pair of mammoth chesticles. CLARNAK: The U.S. Navy’s next lewd, crude skywriting assignment.
RIDDLE 15 – More tater tots? CLARNAK: The only plausible explanation for how potato state Idaho became the nation’s fastest growing state.
RIDDLE 16 – Win Lotto. Visit dark side of Moon. Tango on Dancing with Stars. CLARNAK: Three goals that seem a lot more attainable now that Dick’s Hamburgers has started accepting credit cards after 62 continuous years of cash-only transactions.
RIDDLE 17 – Beer, soda, beer, chips, more beer, and case of adult diapers. CLARNAK: Typical shopping list for tournament-addicted March Madness fans.
RIDDLE 18 – Gasbags, bozos and self-absorbed twits. CLARNAK: Or just “political candidates,” for those of you who can’t face reality.
RIDDLE 19 – Epilogue by Matt Lauer. CLARNAK: Yet another surprise found in the Harvey Weinstein Dating Manual.
RIDDLE 20 – E=MC2. The four laws of thermodynamics. String theory … CLARNAK: Those can be figured out. But why can’t anyone explain what the hell a Bitcoin is?
RIDDLE 21 – White chocolate lattes gain popularity at area java joints.
CLARNAK: Just tell your local barista, “Whip me up a Rachel Dolezal.”
RIDDLE 22 – That Oprah’s No Dope-rah! CLARNAK: Proposed campaign slogan for a certain 2020 presidential candidate.
RIDDLE 23 – Beware the no-armed bandits. CLARNAK: Spokane’s red-light intersection cameras still raking in the revenue and ripping off drivers.
RIDDLE 24 – The rack, thumbscrews and the whipping post.
CLARNAK: Tortures once popular before TSA inquisitors brought the Full Body Probe to an airport near you.
RIDDLE 25 – A far less imaginative landscape. CLARNAK: Life in the Inland Northwest following the late December death of Spokane artist extraordinaire, Harold Balazs.