Take the October Clarksville 2020 Anxiety Exam and find out

No use hanging around until New Year’s Eve to chalk up 2020 as a steaming bowl of (#$%!). It’s been a psychotic ride through Crazyville, that’s for sure.

Contagion. Masks. Riots. Societal breakdown. Partisan hatred. Destruction of public property. Spineless politicians. Assaults. Arson. Anarchy. Gunfire. Murder…

And that’s just another night of peaceful protest in Portland.

It’s been a shock show everywhere else, as well.

Why, even the holy sanctimony of marriage isn’t safe. Take the divorce rate, please. Statistics show that it’s climbed higher than a stoned Sherpa since the COVID bug forced loving couples to spend more time getting on each other’s nerves.

All this togetherness proves that old saying about familiarity. You know, that it not only breeds contempt, but also protracted, costly legal warfare over who gets the dog.

What the data doesn’t show, however, is how the disaster of 2020 is affecting you precious readers of Spokane Coeur d’Alene Living Magazine.

Which is why I have devised the Clarksville 2020 Anxiety Exam.

You’re welcome!

Simply scrawl a circle around the answer that best represents your level of duress. We’ll tally scores and scientifically interpret the results at the end.

Let the learning begin!

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1. The mere act of shopping these days can be stressful. Have you tried curbside pickup?

A. Yes. It minimizes my contact with others. (one Charmin roll)

B. No. I’ve heard that the wait time can be long and stores often substitute items. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Only when cruising East Sprague for a hookup. (ten Charmin rolls)

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2. On average, I worry about the state of the country…

A. Several times a week. (one Charmin roll)

B. Several times a day. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Whenever I hear some fool say “defund the police.” (ten Charmin rolls)

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3. Those anarchist misfits went too far when they…

A. Erected a lawless ghetto in downtown Seattle. (one Charmin roll)

B. Tore down public statues of Columbus, to slain 9/11 firefighters, to George Washington. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Called my windmill-loaded yard art “gnomophobic.” (ten Charmin rolls)

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4. How has Spokane Mayor Nadine Woodward’s first year affected your anxiety level?

A. She’s a bland yet pleasant figurehead – just like she was as a TV news anchor. (one Charmin roll)

B. She should have challenged Gov. Inslee’s business-killing edicts a lot more. (five Charmin rolls)

C. She annexed my garage for her next homeless shelter. (ten Charmin rolls)

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5. It’s clear the strict pandemic rules…

A. Helped reduce the rate of infections. (one Charmin roll)

B. Were based on frightening forecasts that never panned out. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Made small-time merchants as extinct as unicorns. (ten Charmin rolls)

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6. A serious follower of pandemic protocol, I never forget to wear my mask…

A. For necessary trips to the post office. (one Charmin roll)

B. When chatting with neighbors or friends. (five Charmin rolls)

C. When looting the Nike outlet for a new pair of Jordans. (ten Charmin rolls)

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7. Name Spokane’s most important essential service:

A. Liquor store. (one Charmin roll)

B. Pot store. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Aging magazine columnist. (ten Charmin rolls)

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8. A Harvard University study suggests that masks should be worn during sex. Frankly, I find this…

A. Absolutely preposterous. (one Charmin roll)

B. Worth considering. It is from Harvard, after all. (five Charmin rolls)

C. The perfect accessory for my fur handcuffs and latex bustier. (ten Charmin rolls)

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9. I haven’t done my nerves any favors by…

A. Reading the newspaper. (one Charmin roll)

B. Ignoring the social distancing rule. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Binge watching “Helter Skelter” on Epix. (ten Charmin rolls)

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10. Loss of taste and smell is a common COVID symptom, which may explain why I…

A. Started skipping dinner. (one Charmin roll)

B. Dropped thirty pounds. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Can’t miss a Mariners game. (ten Charmin rolls)

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11. During my first virtual physical exam, I…

A. Was able to give my doctor a general idea about the state of my health. (one Charmin roll)

B. Was too self-conscious for a meaningful dialogue. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Found the FaceTime prostate exam to be extraordinarily mortifying. (ten Charmin rolls)

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12. The first thing I’ll do once this COVID chaos ends:

A. Get a haircut. (one Charmin roll)

B. Get a tattoo. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Touch my face and pick my nose with abandon. (ten Charmin rolls)

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13. So much sheltering in place has me …

A. Counting the minutes until happy hour. (one Charmin roll)

B. Beginning happy hour shortly after breakfast. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Wow. Who knew hand-sanitizer’d make shuch kick-assh marg-a-reenies? (ten Charmin rolls)

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14. Though a short drive east, North Idaho’s pandemic response has been quite different from its Washington neighbors. Over there, they…

A. Dismiss COVID as a hoax. (one Charmin roll)

B. Claim COVID is a liberal conspiracy to get Trump. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Hurry, Ma! Gramps just coughed up a lung. (ten Charmin rolls)  

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15. Sum up 2020 with a classic rock song:

A. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” by Bobby McFerrin. (one Charmin roll)

B. “All Shook Up,” by Elvis. (five Charmin rolls)

C. “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC. (ten Charmin rolls)

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16. After area wildfires burned down the Malden firehouse, what could possibly be next?

A. Swarms of locusts. (one Charmin roll)

B. UFO invasion. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Say hello to… COVID-20!!! (ten Charmin rolls)

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17. When a vaccine becomes available, the first in line should be…

A. Health workers. (one Charmin roll)

B. Health workers and first responders. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Health workers, first responders and aging magazine columnist. (ten Charmin rolls)

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18. If there’s a silver lining to 2020, it’s…

A. “The Boys” back for season two! (one Charmin roll)

B. With a 60-game season, Major League Baseball finally found a way to speed things up. (five Charmin rolls)

C. No Pac-12 football means the Cougs are spared from their annual Apple Cup disgrace. (ten Charmin rolls)

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19. Speaking of baseball, I find those cardboard fan cutouts to be…

A. Downright creepy. (one Charmin roll)

B. At least a semblance of normal. (five Charmin rolls)

C. Perfect replacements for the Spokane City Council. (ten Charmin rolls)

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20. The upcoming presidential election has everyone on the ragged edge, because…

A. Trump is a narcissistic ass clown. (one Charmin roll)

B. Biden is that confused coot in the Safeway lot who can’t remember where he parked his car. (five Charmin rolls)

C. I’m just trying to get my backyard bomb shelter finished by Nov. 4. (ten Charmin rolls)

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All right. Time to total our Charmin rolls and see what it all means.

*A score in the double digits tells us that you have the sense of humor of Kim Jong Un and find the Clarksville column to be a sophomoric betrayal of your time.

You will most likely die alone.

*A score of 100 and upwards suggests you’ve never opened a bottle of wine without sniffing the cork and declaring a “hint of cinnamon with traces of burned Goodyear radial.”

You’d be better off as a cardboard city council cutout.

*A perfect score of 200 indicates that you are a clothes-optional party animal.

No lousy pandemic’s gonna slow you down. No, sir! Fill your cooler with marg-a-reenies and head for Coeur d’Alene. Oh, and if you do take a mask, don’t forget the furry handcuffs and latex bustier.